The Case For Being A Hopeless Romantic
For some, dating is not an area that causes much grief or anxiety. People who have a healthy self-image, who’ve had a healthy, stable childhood filled with positive role models of both sexes, and who are fulfilled in many other areas of their lives often don’t find it so difficult to enter the world of dating as adults. This does not mean that healthy, happy people do not experience rejection or have negative interactions in the world of dating they just do not see these experiences as the embodiment of their own inadequacies. For others, however, it is a test of one’s own optimistic worldview, a playing field where childhood traumas and deeply ingrained negative self-perceptions come out to play, to taunt us in the forms of potential mates who ultimately turn out to be, well, just not interested.
Many simply grow more and more weary over time. After all, it is difficult to feel almost entirely hopeless and still subject yourself to the demands of the last drop of hope you have left of ever meeting someone. And to many who are in this position, the prospect of throwing in the towel to attempt to embrace a nihilistic view of romance is too often too tempting. But it must not come without warning: the alternative to remaining a hopeless romantic is often a pathway that leads towards radicalization and animosity towards the opposite sex over time. We see this with both sexes, on both ends of the political spectrum, creating tensions that wreak havoc on our ability progress and communicate.
There are several reasons why this is true,the first being one that I’ve written about previously — that we can never truly erase a desire we hold onto so deeply. The best we can do when we have a strong desire that we don’t believe we are capable of attaining (like finding a mate) is to embark on a journey of understanding where in our psyche this desire is rooted. It is not now that we ought to discuss just how to escape the trap of hopeless romanticism. That is a discussion of self-improvement, habit-building, finding self-love, and ultimately (at a deeper, philosophical level) a discussion about enlightenment. No, this discussion is one of the dangers of turning our backs on our (hopeless) commitment to romance. It is not to point out the obvious, that the best thing to be in the world is happy and with someone else who reflects that happiness right back to you. It is to point out that while being a “hopeless romantic” is not by any means the goal, the alternative is both psychologically damaging and dangerous to society at large.
When Giving Into Cynicism Becomes Dangerous To Oneself And Society
The case for remaining a hopeless romantic is not just another empty promise from a nice friend or internet guru that “there’s someone for everyone”. It is a commitment to continue on a path of self-improvement and a commitment to an overall optimistic view of human nature (and view of the opposite sex). We see too often in the political realm how vengeance from men towards women and vise versa causes radicalization and a great deal of this animosity fueling the war between the sexes is rooted in our failed attempts to convince ourselves that we have successfully abandoned our innocent desire for romance.
It’s not just for the sake of our personal wishes that we ought to remain hopeful in the field of romance, then. It is for the sake of our view of human nature at large, and at a collective level, it is for the sake of a peaceful society and civil discourse. One cannot simply store all of his or her cynical thoughts in the area of dating and relationships without that cynicism bleeding into other areas. True, holding onto a hope that will likely never be fulfilled creates an internal and existential wound, but the alternative to holding onto hope is actually much more dangerous to oneself and to society at large. What me must learn to do is tend to this internal, existential wound. We must become willing to engage in a healing process even if it does not mean that we ever get explicitly what we wanted in the field of romance.
Laughing at one’s romantic misfortunes, being self-deprecating and finding a way to frame the situation that is, at least, funny, is a good first step. Sometimes we feel that the first step is to become elated that we are still single, we feel as if we are supposed to move instantly from near-hopelessness into elation at the thought of being alone forever and become one of those annoying people who won’t shut up about the wonders of positive thinking. Sarcasm is not the same thing as cynicism, though, and that is a crucial distinction. Learning how to be sarcastic can actually provide a catharsis that allows us to be funny, productive, relatable, and most importantly, authentic about how we feel in romantic situations.
Remaining hopeful does not mean basking in unjustified optimism towards dating and relationships. In fact, the misconception that we are always supposed to be in a state of euphoria to call ourselves optimists is one of the things that pushes people right into the dark, slender arms of cynical nihilism. Many times, “remaining hopeful” is just about prying open the space to be self-deprecating for however long it takes until we have tangible justifications for our hope again.
How The Modern Dating World Has Changed The Meaning Of “Rejection”
While having apps available certainly makes casual conversation more accessible, it also increases the chances of rejection while lightening its sting just a bit. In other words, the modern world of dating is a world of constant, but low-grade rejection. (This goes for people of all levels of attractiveness and success, by the way. One point that we’re not making nearly enough is that even the most attractive men and women still get rejected, the difference is that people who know themselves to be attractive do not attribute the experience of rejection to their physical appearance or perceived romantic value).
This shift in the world of dating is somewhat similar to the shift in our common sources of pleasure. In other words, we live in a world of constant, low-grade stimulation, where pleasure is easier to find and less fulfilling each time we find it. Our modern sources of food, entertainment, and social interaction become low-grade addictions for people in most cases. The same way that we must learn to deal with the modern pleasure traps is the way that we must learn to deal with rejection in the modern dating landscape. We must learn how to navigate the modern dating landscape without becoming completely cynical in the same we have to navigate the modern world without becoming anxious, depressed, and addicted.
Yes, navigating the modern world without developing addictions or self-destructive coping mechanisms is a lot like trying to navigate the dating world without developing callous, indifferent, nihilistic views of romance (and for many, of the opposite sex). It is not what we do when we’re on the apps or on the date that makes the difference, though. It is what we tell ourselves before we go there. We need to learn how to frame every experience, positive and negative. This is especially true for those of us who struggle with self-confidence, self-image, and have found it too tempting to become absolutely crushed by the slightest experience of a rejection.
Even if we assume the worst about someone rejecting us (that is, we assume that it is because we are truly inadequate potential mates), and it turns out to be true, though, there is hope in our ability to frame these experiences. Rejection is confusing, always painful to some degree, and for some triggering of the deepest psychological wounds. But rejection is always, always, always the catalyst of self-improvement. Just as a true scientist can appreciate being wrong because being wrong is an opportunity to become right (and with more insight), we must learn to appreciate rejection because it has the potential to bring us a step closer to raising the standards we impose on ourselves in our own pursuit of self-improvement. And that is ultimately the case for remaining a hopeless romantic as opposed to falling into cynical nihilism — that through our search for another individual to become willing to commit to us, we must become willing to commit to ourselves over and over again.
